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People Will Still Be Watching "Bride of the Monster" in 20 Years? Now That's Scary!

Bride of the Monster (Not Rated)

1955

68 Minutes

Widescreen: 1.85:1

It’s hard to judge a movie directed by Ed Wood. It may be awful, but Ed tried so hard to film them, you feel bad putting it down. Grabbing any money he could get and using it as liberally as possible, a laboratory set was silver and a piece of stock footage was gold. He worked on a timetable that would make any film veteran sweat and he should be respected in the movie world for being such an enthusiastic and tenacious director. But…his movies still stink.

“Bride of the Monster” was Ed’s fifth movie and one of the funniest. It revolves around mad scientist Eric Vornoff, played by Bela Lugosi in his last speaking role (but that’s a different story), and his hulking “Tibetan” assistant Lobo, played by Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson. Vornoff lives in an old house in the woods, where he works on nuclear experiments. His biggest success is an octopus, which seems to be sized differently in every shot. Apparently, with the big squid and some sort of brain fryer in the lab, he plans to “take over the vorld!” Meanwhile, the police and the newspapers are trying to understand the strange goings-ons from the Vornoff ranch.

I tried to squeeze another paragraph out of the plot, but that’s about it.

The film is entertaining. I laugh heartily every time I see Vornoff slap Lobo with a big sturdy whip. The stock footage is hilarious too. Octopi, alligators, lightning storms…It’s not as ridiculous as “Plan 9 from Outer Space,” but what is? Something I also noticed on my last viewing was the interior decoration of Vornoff’s house. Wallpaper that’s supposed to look like stones covers the laboratory, and look fast for a portrait of Ulysses S. Grant in the living room. Just another one of Ed’s tricks to save some money, I guess. Other highlights include a police chief who looks like George Kennedy, Office Kelton making his first film appearance, and much, much more.

All in all, shaky as it is, Ed made a movie and he loved it. Most directors these days don’t have half as much passion as he did. That’s the difference between his movies and the bad movies of today. Because in 20 years, no one will remember a hack job like “Alien vs Predator: Requiem,” but we’ll still be watching “Bride of the Monster.”

Grade: C

To see "Bride of the Monster," with commentary by Mystery Science Theater 3000, click here.

I'M BACK, BABY!

In case you haven't noticed, I've been gone for about 6 months. If you have noticed, thanks for reading this smut! I've been working on various screenplays and this blog was just taking up so much time. But thanks for being patient (whoever you are), I'm back and better than ever...or something like that.

So read and go crazy. There'll be new reviews quicker than you can say "who the heck is the Movie Glutton?" Enjoy.

P.S. Don't forget, for questions or comments, you can reach me at

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THE MUMMY - FOR TEN AND UNDER

The Mummy (Rated PG-13)

1999

125 Minutes

Widescreen: 2.35:1

As a kid, I was the biggest Indiana Jones fan. So when 1999’s similar-themed “The Mummy” hit theaters, my heart was all aflutter. The 30-second, action-packed commercials made my mouth water, but when my parents saw the dreaded PG-13 tacked onto the dusty, mummy-faced poster, I was automatically forbidden to see it.

I hadn’t thought of the movie since. Nine years later, I noticed it featured on Netflix’s Instant Play list. I figured what the heck, I’m a big boy now. Besides, when it came out, all my friends said it was “the bomb.” Having seen it now, they were semi-right. It’s cheesy, Egyptian fun, but it’s no Indy.

The plot is fairly simple. In ancient Egypt, a priest named Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo) is having an affair with the Pharaoh’s girlfriend. They murder the king and Imhotep is quickly arrested while she commits suicide. The priest is buried alive (with bugs thrown all over him!) and cursed, carefully watched over by Egyptian descendents, afraid treasure hunters will break the spell and wake him up.

The film progresses to the year 1926 and Evelyn (Rachel Weisz) and Jonathan Carnahan (John Hannah), together with adventurer Rick O’Connell (Brendan Fraser) are after gold that is alledgedly in the cursed mummy tomb. Through a series of events I wouldn’t dare spoil, they inadvertently bring a very icky Imhotep back from the dead. Now he plans to take over the world…or something like that.

There are some fun set pieces in “The Mummy,” such as dust storms, creepy critters, and a very cool (and shapeshifting) piece of carrion. The romance seems to be a little iffy. Evelyn and Rick are the movie’s couple, but you basically have to assume this is true. One advantage is the heavy dose of humor, although Kevin J. O’Connor’s comic relief as Beni, gets old. REAL fast.

Other compliments would go toward the set design and the great music by Jerry Goldsmith. But there was still something missing. Perhaps there was too much FX and not enough heart. I’m reminded of “Independence Day,” another movie I didn’t see until recently. While both do their jobs of entertaining 10-year-old boys, they can’t capture the spectacular magic of “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” “Star Wars,” or “The Adventures of Robin Hood,” movies people of all ages can enjoy.

Grade: C+